Wednesday, December 30, 2009


OK.... I've really thought hard and long... almost two days.... on what I want to do for next year. I know my limitations.... or most of them. When you have as many as I do, a few of the less obvious ones escape you. Like, for instance, I cannot bend down and tie my shoelaces. I have to sit down. Ya, it may sound like a little deal... but hey, imagine walking down the street and whoosh, just like that, your shoelace comes untied! And there is no handy place to sit, so there you are! You either sit down right there in the street and look stupid or you just keep walking with your shoelace untied and look stupid. It is one of the reasons I like summer so much.... sandals do not have lace. Just saying in case no one has picked up on that. I know I could just buy loafers but it is such a dumb name for a shoe and it sounds lazy.

So I decided to keep my WoodChuck's Day resolution for 2010 simple. Not that I am a simple guy.... shit&whiskers! I am as interesting as anyone I know... except for Billy Lang. He is much more interesting. Really. He is the only guy I know who orders a gin&tonic with three olives and calls it 'soup'. Boy! I had never heard that before! And... get this! Billy quit smoking about a year ago... I think it interfered with his new habit of chewing nicotine gum. Now, I like Billy... he's really a nice guy ( only when he laughs... and he's always laughing... he sounds a bit like Mr. Ed ) so anyways... Billy is really noted as a frugal guy and so we sit there and have drinks and he will take the gum out, stick it on a straw and then stick it in his gin&tonic... ya, really. So once I asked him why he stuck the gum in his 'soup' and he told me, "So I can call it stew!" Well, boy, did he think he was funny&all and he laughed way too long. So I promised that if I did quit smoking I would never never ever stick nicotine gum in my beer.

Nope. I gotz to make a resolution that makes sense. Not like my buddy Schultzie...... and not like Schultzie ever made any sense in the first place. I mean first of all..... what's an Armenian doing with a German name? Seriously! I'm asking? And where is Armenia anyways? And what have any Armenian's ever done for me? Just asking!! Hey, I'm not diss-ing the guy. He's the coolest bald dude I know! Nobody can shave a head like Schultzie..... but he doesn't make any sense... like, dig this.... he fifty-something and knocks up his thirty-something girl friend..... now he is as happy as all get only took him forty years to figure out how it all works, and good for him.... but he is acting like he just discovered that there are FOUR bridges over the river instead of just THREE... and the fourth bridge CAN get him over to the marina in less time. OK. Schultzie doesn't make any sense. But I love him. And he never puts nicotine gum in his drinks.

And here's the other deal about making resolutions..... they have to have a semblance of possibility to them. Just a tad. Not a lot. Some. Some works really nice. I mean, my little brother, Max and Miriam's Uncle Lurch, is an eternal optimist and that just doesn't always work. Like, once, when we were kids, I asked him what he wanted for Christmas and he said he wanted a pony. Well, damn, he may as well asked for a rocket ship as much as that was going to happen. But if I recall correctly Dad was rather taken with the request and filled his stocking with a whole bunch of toy cowboys and horses and some such. Well, my older brother and I thought that was kinda mean.... hey the kid is only 6 and he really wants a horse .... so we took the toys out and filled his stocking with horse shit. At least it was more connected to a real horse that some plastic crap made in China. Right? Well, and I never will forget this, ol' Uncle Lurch just took one look at that stocking full of pony crap and he ran out to the garage and grabbed a hunk of rope and next thing you know, he was pulling on his boots and coat and was headed out the door. " Santa left me a horse," he yelled on the way out the door, " but it got away! I got to find it!!!!!" Forty years later he got as far as British Columbia where he settled for a wife instead of a horse. See! If he would have only been practical he would have only had to go to Minnesota!

I mean, this resolution thing has got to have some real balance to it. It needs to be attainable. Within the realm of possibility. Karl from the newspaper keeps thinking he's gonna find a dinosaur bone. He goes to Utah, and Nevada and other such places on his holidays looking for old bones. I tell him he would have more luck going through my garbage can. I mean, I don't take out the garbage much and I'm thinking that there could be some pork chop bones that are damn well fossilized in there, but nopes.... instead of saving his money and doing something sensible with it, like, ya know, buying me a beer.....he has to go to some dumb fuck place and sit in a desert with no shower looking for bones. Gees, no wonder newspapers are getting extinct and stuff!!

So........ I decided to make a really nifty, peachy-keen, sensible, attainable and practical resolution for 2010. On New Years day... I will buy a $1 lottery ticket and win. Millions. &millions. I wanna be filthy rich. Like, mega-rich. Maybe even more millions& billions. & even more!!!!!!
Then I will build an amusement park. I heard Orlando is a good location.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

2009 Hey, It could have been worse!

Ya know... what gets me.... and I am not being political and I am not looking for rebuttals or arguments..... but whole buncha folks just lined up early last year to kick Obama for what he didn't do... or what a whole buncha folks just naturally figured he had done.... well before he did anything.

Well.... and I am just saying.... I have been less than enchanted with 2009. But with the shit Obama stepped into... I am still willing to give him more than 11 months. I mean... it wasn't a great 11 months... but considering the previous 96 months....... it was a walk in the park. Don't believe me?

I offer, for amusement purposes.... the following observations and statements or our former leader.......

"Well, it's an unimaginable honor to be the president during the Fourth of July of this country. It means what these words say, for starters. The great inalienable rights of our country. We're blessed with such values in America. And I--it's--I'm a proud man to be the nation based upon such wonderful values."--Visiting the Jefferson Memorial, Washington, D.C., July 2, 2001

"We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease."--After meeting with the leaders of the European Union, Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001

"It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce."--Quebec City, Canada, April 21, 2001

"I've coined new words, like, misunderstanding and Hispanically." Radio-Television Correspondents Association dinner, Washington, D.C., March 29, 2001

"I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well." Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2001

"Then I went for a run with the other dog and just walked. And I started thinking about a lot of things. I was able to…I can't remember what it was. Oh, the inaugural speech, started thinking through that." Pre-inaugural interview with U.S. News & World Report, Jan. 22, 2001 issue

"Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment." Interview with the New York Times, Jan. 14, 2001

"The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants." Interview with the New York Times, Jan. 14, 2001

"They misunderestimated me." Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."-Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

"The great thing about America is everybody should vote."-Austin, Texas, Dec. 8, 2000

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."--Reuters, May 5, 2000

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"-Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

"I understand small business growth. I was one."-New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."-Pella, Iowa, as quoted by the San Antonio Express-News, Jan. 30, 2000

"It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet." Arlington Heights, Ill., Oct. 24, 2000

"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question." Reynoldsburg, Ohio, Oct. 4, 2000

"Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods." Austin, Texas, Dec. 20, 2000

"The senator [McCain] has got to understand if he's going to have…..he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road." To reporters in Florence, S.C., Feb. 17, 2000

"We ought to make the pie higher." South Carolina Republican Debate, Feb. 15, 2000
"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program." Debate in St. Charles, Mo., Nov. 2, 2000

"It's your money. You paid for it." LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

"It's not the governor's role to decide who goes to heaven. I believe that God decides who goes to heaven, not George W. Bush." -- George W. Bush, in the Houston Chronicle.

"There ought to be limits to freedom. We're aware of this [web] site, and this guy is just a garbage man, that's all he is." -- George Jr., discussing a web site that parodies him

"I'm a uniter not a divider. That means when it comes time to sew up your chest cavity, we use stitches as opposed to opening it up." -- Bush, on David Letterman, March 2, 2000.
"I didn't -- I swear I didn't -- get into politics to feather my nest or feather my friends' nests." -- Bush Jr., in the Houston Chronicle

HA! That is how bad it was! Do you think it couldn't be worse?

"I'm addicted to Carmex. I don't go anywhere without Carmex." Sarah Palin.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Happy Wood Chuck DAY!!!

I know it may escape the attenion of most people these days, but it is a well established fact that today is Wood Chuck Day!!!!
It is a centuries old tradition that I just made up where the wood chuck who lives on the shores of Lake Puckaway looks in the mirror in the morning, sees my face, and makes a resolution to never look in a mirror again. And I quite agree. Some mornings I look in the mirror and see a wood chuck and vow never make a resolution again, much less wake up tomorrow!

Anyways.... Wood Chuck Day is the start of the New Years Resolution season. Yup. Not making that up one bit, either. And it is a good thing.... making resolutions. Can't break 'em if ya ain't made 'em..... as my astute and dearly departed Uncle Ray would say. So in the spirit of the season I offer my first two resolutions of 2010.

1) I am going to open a new business. Yessirree Bob! This office shit is getting stale. I am going to build a bungee jumping tower. I think it is a great idea!!! Oh...! The fun I am going to have. I am enclosing a preliminary photo of what I intend to build. Any observations on my idea would be appreciated. I'm figuring that if I build it, they will come, but suggestions are good, too.

2) I plan on taking up fishing. Never really gave it a fair shot. That whole deal of putting worms on barbed hooks and then flailing the water with the line it is attached to until the whole top of the lake is frothy.... well it just never sounded like fun. And ..... GET THIS!!! Iffen you really do catch a fish.............why........ you're expected to cut it's head off, slit it up the middle and take it's guts out! Whoa! Now give me a break or give me a beer! That, I figured, was never gonna happen! But then my buddy, Dimly, told me about this 'new' kinda fish......

... and I'm thinking it might be worth another look.

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

I love winter, ya, right

all right-ee-di-dee..... Winter sure is a pretty thing. If you don't have to walk or drive in it. I mean, have you ever had to 'shovel' summer? Nope. Never happen.

So I have a drive west towards LaCrosse this afternoon, with a return tomorrow. And a big honking storm is headed this way. If I had a nickel for every snow storm I have driven through... gees, I could buy a CASE of beer. Really good beer. I am not a fan of winter and winter storms...... if I had to sum up my sentiments of winter.... it would be

....... oh well!

Maybe I can talk one of the elfs to hang around after Santa leaves..... and we can discuss her leaves.

Monday, December 21, 2009

The Good, The Bad, The Ugly... The Statues

Now that was Ugly-Bad..... Like, C'mon! You are up 6 points, you have the other team back on their own 13.... you are giving them only about a minute to score 7.... aw shit... I can't even think of it again. 36-37... the Pfachers are supposed to be one of the better defenses in the league and you let their brain-bashed QB throw for over 500!!! Ugly-Bad.

The Good!!!?? It's the Winter Solstice! That means we have gotten the shortest day of the year over. Starting today.... we get a little bit more sunlight and warm weather is ever so much closer than yesterday. A good thing. A Very Good Thing. Yup, I know, winter has just started... but I will take any good thing... any... and run with it.

The Statues? Ha! As well you may ask!!! The esteemed&stuff Tengrain from Mock Paper Scissors has been featuring 'bad' statues.. hey, I gotzta fess-up, I have even contributed a few that Tengrain thought suitable. Checking his blog for any recent additions is a great way to kill time at work..... PLUS he drops notable newsie-bits and neat-O Keen spiffy social comments about too! Shit&Whiskers... can't go wrong!!!

Thursday, December 17, 2009


Ok... I hate shopping.... all kinds... and the Festivus, HannaKanah, Chrismataz.... really pains me. Which is kind of ironic.... because I am a generous person and I do like giving things away. Especially things that I find in my apartment that I really don't want anymore. And I do like people. Most people. Some of the time. &some people, most of the time.

So... in the spirit of the season where normally rational people go out and cut down a perfectly good tree... stick it in their living room..(ya, like they think it's gonna grow there, huh!) and then throw it away later... I have arranged gifts for all my bloggin buddies, readers and Lurkers!

This is how it works..... I divided everyone into two groups.... A & B.... ok, with me so far?
Everyone in group A gets..............
Eggnog Soap
The MAN tried to keep eggnog down. He tried to pigeonhole it as a "holiday beverage." But eggnog could not be contained! It has cast aside those artificial limitations and emerged as an aromatic cleaning agent for both hands and body. Keep a bar in your bathroom year-round for those times when you could use a little holly jolly good cheer. Each bar has the words "Eggnog Soap" embossed on top and comes in a fancy 3-3/4" x 2-3/8" x 7/8" tin.

Every one in Group B gets...........Inflatable Fruitcake
It's festive, it's traditional and it's inedible - just like the real thing. Each vinyl fruitcake comes deflated with a 9-1/2" x 5-1/2" envelope and a decorative sticker, making it easy to send one to all of your friends and family! When inflated, this icon of old-fashioned baked goods is 8-1/2" x 5" x 4-1/2" and makes a great centerpiece for the holiday dinner table. and everyone else gets....
Box Full of Hope Gift Box
We provide the box, you provide the hope! This 5" x 5" x 5" gift box is decorated with inspirational text and images presenting hope as a material commodity. It's the perfect gift! After all, who doesn't need a little hope now and again? As an extra bonus, "One out of every 1,000 boxes contains the key to Happiness!" Great for optimists and cynics alike. If you want to be really depressing, give it to someone empty!OK. Happy Happy! collect your gift go to
... and send them a check.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009


Nah, that's General Joe Hooker. He was a bad lay in 1863 and I'm guessing he hasn't gotten better with age.

Not that Hooker.

Nope, not that Hooker either. Johnny Lee is all right by me.

And not those Hookers; at least they are honest about what they are doing.

Ok, Yessirree Boy.... I am talking about

America's biggest whore.....

America's most diseased piece of faux sensuality and verbal promiscuity......

Sarah Palin!

So.... here's the deal.... I get another spam letter from the Snow Queen

Dear Friend, As the Going Rogue book tour ends.....................................................................................................If you are able to contribute I will use the SarahPAC donations you place in my trust to support candidates who share our core values, and I’ll work on issues that can put America back on the right path. With your help, we can bring real change to America!

From my family to yours, we wish you a very Merry Christmas and a Joyous New Year.

God Bless the USA!

Sarah Palin

Ya, the donations you place in my trust! To support.... yadda yadda.... I have never seen such blatant display of gimmee, gimmee, gimmee since Tammy Faye and Jim Baker shilled the PTL on tv.

Yuppers.... old Sarah is out on the street looking for a stray $20. I swear, she would give the Dick Cheney a blow job if she thought there was a pay-ola involved.

Wowsers! I gotzta get my email checked for VD.

Monday, December 14, 2009

Ok. It was a long weekend of shoveling snow, walking through slush and complaining about snow and slush. So I really have nothing of any import to say. (Like I ever do?) But I do have a joke. One that encompasses my three favorite subjects..... Tourists, Illinois, Dumb Questions & Blondes. (Ok, I am not employed in the Math field.)

A notable thing about where I live is the abundance of names of cities, towns, lakes and rivers that are derived from Native American dialects and languages. It usually can make for some very interesting pronunciations. Here's a story

Two tourists from Illinois were driving through Wisconsin. As they approached Weyauwega , they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch.
As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee, 'Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are . . . very slowly?'
The blond counter girl leaned over the counter and slowly said, 'Burrrr-gerrrr-Kiiiing.'

Tuesday, December 8, 2009

Wowsers.... it is snowing, snowing&stuff.....Boy&Howdy! So before I trundle my weary soul down Highway 41... I will leave you with one of my favorite Norwegian jokes. For those a bit unfamiliar with Norwegian jokes..... they are just a gentle wink to our Western Border friends who did not have enough sense to move to Iowa.

Ole and Lena was at the kitchen table for the usual morning cup of coffee and listening to a weather report coming from the radio. "There will be 4 to 6 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. All vehicles should be parked on the odd-numbered side of the streets today to facilitate snowplows," the radio voice declared. "Oh, gosh, OK," said Ole, getting up, bundling up and heading outside to dutifully put his car on the odd-numbered side of the street.

Two days later, Ole and Lena were at morning coffee when the radio voice said: "There will be 8 to 10 inches of snow today and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your vehicles on the even-numbered side of the streets." Ole got up from his coffee as before. He bundled up, shuffled off, and put his car on the even-numbered side of the street.

A few days later, the couple was at the table when the radio voice declared: "There will be 24 to 32 inches of snow today, one of the worst blizzards in Minnesota history, and a snow emergency has been declared. You must park your cars on the ..." Just then, the power went out. "Park it where?" Ole asked in the dark, "What should I do?" "Aw, to heck with them, Ole," Lena said, "Don't worry about it today. Just leave the car in the garage."


Monday, December 7, 2009

Pearl Harbor Day..... 2009

Where have all the soldiers gone?
Long time passing
Where have all the soldiers gone?
Long time ago
Where have all the soldiers gone?
Gone to graveyards every one
When will they ever learn?
When will they ever learn?

Friday, December 4, 2009

"I'm in love ... she's all cooked up!"

I really like the youth of America. They are clever, imaginative and innovative. Also..... most of them are young.

... and if they are really really bored..... and they have access to video equipment.... all sorts of stuff happens.

The most interesting one that has come to my attention, in my part of the woods, is the filming of a, ah, rather strange movie..... Ed Gein: The Musical.

Ed was a serial killer/grave robber/necrophiliac/cannibal who was apprehended in Plainfield, WI in 1957 with a woman's body strung up like a dressed deer in his shed. He was the inspiration for Norman Bates in Pyscho, Buffalo Bill in Silence of the Lambs and Leatherface in the Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

A local bunch turned this into a musical. A trailer clip is available at . The premiere is Jan 7. I can't wait. A local new story relates that they filmed the whole thing for $9,000; most of which was spent on pizza and beer.

Wednesday, December 2, 2009

I Like Russ

I get some wonderful junk in my email. And then I get notes from my Senator, Russ Feingold. The Dude cuts right to the chase. I wish the Senate was full of more guys like Russ.......


I wanted to take a moment to share my thoughts on President Obama's plan for Afghanistan with you. I do not support the president’s decision to send additional troops to fight a war in Afghanistan that is no longer in our national security interest. It’s an expensive gamble to undertake armed nation-building on behalf of a corrupt government of questionable legitimacy. Sending more troops could further destabilize Afghanistan and, more importantly, Pakistan, a nuclear-armed state where al Qaeda is headquartered. While I appreciate that the president made clear we won’t be in Afghanistan forever, I am disappointed by his decision not to offer a timetable for ending our military presence there. I will work with members of both parties and both houses of Congress to push for a flexible timetable to reduce our troop levels in Afghanistan, as part of a comprehensive strategy to combat al Qaeda in the region and around the world.I will continue to speak out in favor of a flexible timetable for withdrawal, and I’m counting on you to help spread the word. If you haven't already done so, please take a moment and sign my petition supporting a flexible timetable for withdrawal. I’ll keep you updated on the next steps, and what you can do to make sure our message is heard.

Russ Feingold

United States Senator

Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Tell me why?

Sometimes someone somewhere says something.... and you have a song in your head for the day.

Sailing heart-ships thru broken harbors
Out on the waves in the night
Still the searcher must ride the dark horse
Racing alone in his fright.

Tell me why, tell me why
Is it hard to make arrangements with yourself,
When your old enough to repay but young enough to sell?

Tell me lies later, come and see me
I'll be around for a while.
I am lonely but you can free me
All in the way that you smile

Tell me why, tell me why
Is it hard to make arrangements with yourself,
When your old enough to repay but young enough to sell?

Tell me why, tell me why
Tell me why, tell me why

Wednesday, November 25, 2009


OK. Short day at the office and then I gotz a couple of days criss-crossing the State.
So... I have a story. About my old, long gone grandfather.

He had been a sturdy man, of Germanic stock and of slightly more than modest means; he had owned a subsistence farm just south of the city and had made home-made beer and wine during the Prohibition. Family lore is that he did well with that and after WWII made good money selling the farm in lots as the city grew.

He was alway old in my memory. My mother was his youngest and I was my mother's third child. I believe he was 94 and I was 22 when he had his fifth and fatal heart attack. At that time he had been married to my Grandmother for 71 years. He was a taciturn man with a sweet sleepy smile and a gaze that either moved through long ago trodden roads of yesterday or moved right through you as if you weren't there. But he was friendly enough, even thought he had a habit of falling asleep during some conversations.

I remember visiting him after his first heart attack.

"I'm OK, Jimmy," he said. " They just told me not to work so much and watch what I eat." His eyes were clear and bright. " I'll just keep on living, and loving and praying."

The second heart attack was only ten months after the first.

" More things they say I shouldn't ought do no more!" he sighed. "Gotzta quit hunting and fishing. They say tramping through the woods and rowing my boat ain't good no more." His eyes brows arched with ancient melancholy. "But I'll keep living and loving and praying!"

The third was more serious. He was told emphatically that fried foods, especially fish and potatoes were out. As well as sweets. Coffee was gone. Skim milk only. He assured me though, his mouth set grimly tight and severe, that he would persevere and continue living and loving and praying.

The fourth incident was two years later. It was a dozey. The doctors expected a decent recovery, but this time there would be an extended hospital stay and that is where I went to visit.

"Bastards!" He exhaled as an oath. " They take it all away from a man! First my work, then my hunting and fishing, then my food....Bastards." His hand rose and he wagged an ancient digit in my face and for a moment a fierce fire lit his eyes again. " Do you know what the Bastards told me this time??? I'll tell youse! No more beer or sex!!!"

Now I never had seen him this agitated. His voice, which had been a pale horse, now gathered itself for a tired last gallop.

"It's OK, Grandpa," I said. "It's OK", I tried to calm him.


I thought he would have the fifth heart attack right before me.

"Just keep living and praying and loving," I said. "It'll be OK."
He rose on his elbows. " Well.... I'll pray the next one kills me!!!" he snorted. "I'll show 'em!"

He had such a nice smile on his face at his funeral, and, oh, how grandmother wept.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009


OK. Things are tough all over. Business is down and I feel like I am hanging on day to day. Hopefully I will make it through the Holidays before getting fired/laid off. Daily war at the office.

Ya know, that sucks. In other news..... Sarah Palin is guilty of being completely obtuse... I mean, c'mon.... this Rogue thing.... gees... did she look up the word?
1. An unprincipled, deceitful, and unreliable person; a scoundrel or rascal.
2. One who is playfully mischievous; a scamp.
3. A wandering beggar; a vagrant.
4. A vicious and solitary animal, especially an elephant that has separated itself from its herd.
5. An organism, especially a plant, that shows an undesirable variation from a standard.
1. Vicious and solitary. Used of an animal, especially an elephant.
2. Large, destructive, and anomalous or unpredictable
3. Operating outside normal or desirable controls:

In other news.... something is goofy with my computer at work..... and I don't get it... it won't let me read

which really sucks... that's just more time I have to work!

..the good news is I can still read

and lastly news....

I see trees of green, red roses too
I see them bloom for me and you
And i think to myself:"What a wonderful world!"
I see skies of blue and clouds of white
The bright blessed day, the dark sacred night
And I think to my self:"What a wonderful world!
"The colors of the rainbow so pretty in the sky
Are also on the faces of people going by
I see friends shaking hands saying "How do you do.
"They really say: "I love you!"

I hear babies crying I watch them grow
They'll learn much more than I'll ever know
And I think to myself:"What a wonderful world"
Yes, I think to myself:"What a wonderful world!"

Gone for a few days........

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