Wednesday, December 30, 2009


OK.... I've really thought hard and long... almost two days.... on what I want to do for next year. I know my limitations.... or most of them. When you have as many as I do, a few of the less obvious ones escape you. Like, for instance, I cannot bend down and tie my shoelaces. I have to sit down. Ya, it may sound like a little deal... but hey, imagine walking down the street and whoosh, just like that, your shoelace comes untied! And there is no handy place to sit, so there you are! You either sit down right there in the street and look stupid or you just keep walking with your shoelace untied and look stupid. It is one of the reasons I like summer so much.... sandals do not have lace. Just saying in case no one has picked up on that. I know I could just buy loafers but it is such a dumb name for a shoe and it sounds lazy.

So I decided to keep my WoodChuck's Day resolution for 2010 simple. Not that I am a simple guy.... shit&whiskers! I am as interesting as anyone I know... except for Billy Lang. He is much more interesting. Really. He is the only guy I know who orders a gin&tonic with three olives and calls it 'soup'. Boy! I had never heard that before! And... get this! Billy quit smoking about a year ago... I think it interfered with his new habit of chewing nicotine gum. Now, I like Billy... he's really a nice guy ( only when he laughs... and he's always laughing... he sounds a bit like Mr. Ed ) so anyways... Billy is really noted as a frugal guy and so we sit there and have drinks and he will take the gum out, stick it on a straw and then stick it in his gin&tonic... ya, really. So once I asked him why he stuck the gum in his 'soup' and he told me, "So I can call it stew!" Well, boy, did he think he was funny&all and he laughed way too long. So I promised that if I did quit smoking I would never never ever stick nicotine gum in my beer.

Nope. I gotz to make a resolution that makes sense. Not like my buddy Schultzie...... and not like Schultzie ever made any sense in the first place. I mean first of all..... what's an Armenian doing with a German name? Seriously! I'm asking? And where is Armenia anyways? And what have any Armenian's ever done for me? Just asking!! Hey, I'm not diss-ing the guy. He's the coolest bald dude I know! Nobody can shave a head like Schultzie..... but he doesn't make any sense... like, dig this.... he fifty-something and knocks up his thirty-something girl friend..... now he is as happy as all get only took him forty years to figure out how it all works, and good for him.... but he is acting like he just discovered that there are FOUR bridges over the river instead of just THREE... and the fourth bridge CAN get him over to the marina in less time. OK. Schultzie doesn't make any sense. But I love him. And he never puts nicotine gum in his drinks.

And here's the other deal about making resolutions..... they have to have a semblance of possibility to them. Just a tad. Not a lot. Some. Some works really nice. I mean, my little brother, Max and Miriam's Uncle Lurch, is an eternal optimist and that just doesn't always work. Like, once, when we were kids, I asked him what he wanted for Christmas and he said he wanted a pony. Well, damn, he may as well asked for a rocket ship as much as that was going to happen. But if I recall correctly Dad was rather taken with the request and filled his stocking with a whole bunch of toy cowboys and horses and some such. Well, my older brother and I thought that was kinda mean.... hey the kid is only 6 and he really wants a horse .... so we took the toys out and filled his stocking with horse shit. At least it was more connected to a real horse that some plastic crap made in China. Right? Well, and I never will forget this, ol' Uncle Lurch just took one look at that stocking full of pony crap and he ran out to the garage and grabbed a hunk of rope and next thing you know, he was pulling on his boots and coat and was headed out the door. " Santa left me a horse," he yelled on the way out the door, " but it got away! I got to find it!!!!!" Forty years later he got as far as British Columbia where he settled for a wife instead of a horse. See! If he would have only been practical he would have only had to go to Minnesota!

I mean, this resolution thing has got to have some real balance to it. It needs to be attainable. Within the realm of possibility. Karl from the newspaper keeps thinking he's gonna find a dinosaur bone. He goes to Utah, and Nevada and other such places on his holidays looking for old bones. I tell him he would have more luck going through my garbage can. I mean, I don't take out the garbage much and I'm thinking that there could be some pork chop bones that are damn well fossilized in there, but nopes.... instead of saving his money and doing something sensible with it, like, ya know, buying me a beer.....he has to go to some dumb fuck place and sit in a desert with no shower looking for bones. Gees, no wonder newspapers are getting extinct and stuff!!

So........ I decided to make a really nifty, peachy-keen, sensible, attainable and practical resolution for 2010. On New Years day... I will buy a $1 lottery ticket and win. Millions. &millions. I wanna be filthy rich. Like, mega-rich. Maybe even more millions& billions. & even more!!!!!!
Then I will build an amusement park. I heard Orlando is a good location.

Tuesday, December 29, 2009

2009 Hey, It could have been worse!

Ya know... what gets me.... and I am not being political and I am not looking for rebuttals or arguments..... but whole buncha folks just lined up early last year to kick Obama for what he didn't do... or what a whole buncha folks just naturally figured he had done.... well before he did anything.

Well.... and I am just saying.... I have been less than enchanted with 2009. But with the shit Obama stepped into... I am still willing to give him more than 11 months. I mean... it wasn't a great 11 months... but considering the previous 96 months....... it was a walk in the park. Don't believe me?

I offer, for amusement purposes.... the following observations and statements or our former leader.......

"Well, it's an unimaginable honor to be the president during the Fourth of July of this country. It means what these words say, for starters. The great inalienable rights of our country. We're blessed with such values in America. And I--it's--I'm a proud man to be the nation based upon such wonderful values."--Visiting the Jefferson Memorial, Washington, D.C., July 2, 2001

"We spent a lot of time talking about Africa, as we should. Africa is a nation that suffers from incredible disease."--After meeting with the leaders of the European Union, Gothenburg, Sweden, June 14, 2001

"It's very important for folks to understand that when there's more trade, there's more commerce."--Quebec City, Canada, April 21, 2001

"I've coined new words, like, misunderstanding and Hispanically." Radio-Television Correspondents Association dinner, Washington, D.C., March 29, 2001

"I am mindful not only of preserving executive powers for myself, but for predecessors as well." Washington, D.C., Jan. 29, 2001

"Then I went for a run with the other dog and just walked. And I started thinking about a lot of things. I was able to…I can't remember what it was. Oh, the inaugural speech, started thinking through that." Pre-inaugural interview with U.S. News & World Report, Jan. 22, 2001 issue

"Redefining the role of the United States from enablers to keep the peace to enablers to keep the peace from peacekeepers is going to be an assignment." Interview with the New York Times, Jan. 14, 2001

"The California crunch really is the result of not enough power-generating plants and then not enough power to power the power of generating plants." Interview with the New York Times, Jan. 14, 2001

"They misunderestimated me." Bentonville, Ark., Nov. 6, 2000

"I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family." Greater Nashua, N.H., Chamber of Commerce, Jan. 27, 2000

"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."-Saginaw, Mich., Sept. 29, 2000

"The great thing about America is everybody should vote."-Austin, Texas, Dec. 8, 2000

"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."--Reuters, May 5, 2000

"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"-Florence, S.C., Jan. 11, 2000

"I understand small business growth. I was one."-New York Daily News, Feb. 19, 2000

"The most important job is not to be governor, or first lady in my case."-Pella, Iowa, as quoted by the San Antonio Express-News, Jan. 30, 2000

"It's important for us to explain to our nation that life is important. It's not only life of babies, but it's life of children living in, you know, the dark dungeons of the Internet." Arlington Heights, Ill., Oct. 24, 2000

"I think if you know what you believe, it makes it a lot easier to answer questions. I can't answer your question." Reynoldsburg, Ohio, Oct. 4, 2000

"Natural gas is hemispheric. I like to call it hemispheric in nature because it is a product that we can find in our neighborhoods." Austin, Texas, Dec. 20, 2000

"The senator [McCain] has got to understand if he's going to have…..he can't have it both ways. He can't take the high horse and then claim the low road." To reporters in Florence, S.C., Feb. 17, 2000

"We ought to make the pie higher." South Carolina Republican Debate, Feb. 15, 2000
"They want the federal government controlling Social Security like it's some kind of federal program." Debate in St. Charles, Mo., Nov. 2, 2000

"It's your money. You paid for it." LaCrosse, Wis., Oct. 18, 2000

"It's not the governor's role to decide who goes to heaven. I believe that God decides who goes to heaven, not George W. Bush." -- George W. Bush, in the Houston Chronicle.

"There ought to be limits to freedom. We're aware of this [web] site, and this guy is just a garbage man, that's all he is." -- George Jr., discussing a web site that parodies him

"I'm a uniter not a divider. That means when it comes time to sew up your chest cavity, we use stitches as opposed to opening it up." -- Bush, on David Letterman, March 2, 2000.
"I didn't -- I swear I didn't -- get into politics to feather my nest or feather my friends' nests." -- Bush Jr., in the Houston Chronicle

HA! That is how bad it was! Do you think it couldn't be worse?

"I'm addicted to Carmex. I don't go anywhere without Carmex." Sarah Palin.

Monday, December 28, 2009

Happy Wood Chuck DAY!!!

I know it may escape the attenion of most people these days, but it is a well established fact that today is Wood Chuck Day!!!!
It is a centuries old tradition that I just made up where the wood chuck who lives on the shores of Lake Puckaway looks in the mirror in the morning, sees my face, and makes a resolution to never look in a mirror again. And I quite agree. Some mornings I look in the mirror and see a wood chuck and vow never make a resolution again, much less wake up tomorrow!

Anyways.... Wood Chuck Day is the start of the New Years Resolution season. Yup. Not making that up one bit, either. And it is a good thing.... making resolutions. Can't break 'em if ya ain't made 'em..... as my astute and dearly departed Uncle Ray would say. So in the spirit of the season I offer my first two resolutions of 2010.

1) I am going to open a new business. Yessirree Bob! This office shit is getting stale. I am going to build a bungee jumping tower. I think it is a great idea!!! Oh...! The fun I am going to have. I am enclosing a preliminary photo of what I intend to build. Any observations on my idea would be appreciated. I'm figuring that if I build it, they will come, but suggestions are good, too.

2) I plan on taking up fishing. Never really gave it a fair shot. That whole deal of putting worms on barbed hooks and then flailing the water with the line it is attached to until the whole top of the lake is frothy.... well it just never sounded like fun. And ..... GET THIS!!! Iffen you really do catch a fish.............why........ you're expected to cut it's head off, slit it up the middle and take it's guts out! Whoa! Now give me a break or give me a beer! That, I figured, was never gonna happen! But then my buddy, Dimly, told me about this 'new' kinda fish......

... and I'm thinking it might be worth another look.

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