Friday, December 19, 2008

Ho Dee Ho Dee Ho Ho Ho

I saw a report... somewhere.. that 75% of Americans stop believing in Santa Claus by the Age of eight.
I am aghast! Well!! I would like to put in a good word for us, the loyal 25%, the True Believers!!!! Why, just a few years ago, visiting at my sister's home for Christmas, I experience irrefutable proof that Santa, bless him &love him &stuff, does truly exist!!!!!!!!!!!

The house was settled, all the children asleep..
I had a six pack of pale ale,
good company to keep.

I wished to speak with the old Elf
tell what I thought
but it had been a long day
from all that I had bought.
I was tired, I was pooped.
As I pondered what to say,
My head began to sag
my eyelids to droop
soon I passed out
all in the bag.

When I awoke the presents were there
An MP3, books&CDs, merriment and glee
toasters&cookbooks, chocolates &tea
socks and sweaters, a new football for Bob
for Jonas, the nephew, finally a job!
Snow tires for Max
to put on his car
earmuffs for Miriam
&marmalade by the jar.
An almanac for Uncle Bill,
Spices for his wife....
Who'd a thunk they'd still be wed
this late in Life!!

Now your opinion you may venture
expostualte as you will
But I'm a True Believer
until I get the bill!

So There!
& just remember, everytime a bell rings an Angel gets jimm a beer!

Bail me out, Baby!!

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

Smithsonian Letter
Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078
Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute, labeled
"211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline post. Hominid
We have given this specimen a careful and detailed examination,
and regret to inform you that we disagree with your theory that it
represents "conclusive proof of the presence of Early Man in
Charleston County two million years ago." Rather, it appears
that what you have found is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety
one of our staff, who has small children, believes to be the
"Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have given a great deal
of thought to the analysis of this specimen, and you may be quite
certain that those of us who are familiar with your prior work
in the field were loath to come to contradiction with your
However, we do feel that there are a number of physical
attributes of the specimen which might have tipped you off to its modern
1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid remains
are typically fossilized bone.
2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is approximately 9
cubic centimeters, well below the threshold of even the earliest
identified proto-hominids.
3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is more
consistent with the common domesticated dog than it is with the
"ravenous man-eating Pliocene clams" you speculate roamed the
wetlands during that time. This latter finding is certainly one
of the most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in your
history with this institution, but the evidence seems to weigh
rather heavily against it. Without going into too much detail,
let us say that:
A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll
that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.
It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we must deny
your request to have the specimen carbon dated. This is partially due
to the heavy load our lab must bear in its normal operation, and
partly due to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge, no Barbie
dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and carbon dating is
likely to produce wildly inaccurate results. Sadly, we must also deny
your request that we approach the National Science Foundation's
Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning your specimen
the scientific name "Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking
personally, I, for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of
your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted down because
the species name you selected was hyphenated, and didn't really
sound like it might be Latin.
However, we gladly accept your generous donation of this
fascinating specimen to the museum. While it is undoubtedly not
a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless, yet another riveting example
of the great body of work you seem to accumulate here so
effortlessly. You should know that our Director has reserved a
special shelf in his own office for the display of the specimens
you have previously submitted to the Institution, and the entire
staff speculates daily on what you will happen upon next in your
digs at the site you have discovered in your back yard. We
eagerly anticipate your trip to our nation's capital that you
proposed in your last letter, and several of us are pressing the
Director to pay for it. We are particularly interested in
hearing you expand on your theories surrounding the "trans-positating
fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix" that makes
the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus rex femur you recently
discovered take on the deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm
Sears Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.
Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities
* I know this has been around for awhile, but it still breaks me up. Happy Wednesday!!

Monday, December 15, 2008


Ok. The back is much better. It is a floating bone chip that pinches a nerve. A pain when it happens, but pffffftt... life goes on!

So I am doing what I usually do this time of year.... scrounging cash to buy Christmas presents. Coats in the closet is a good place to start. I never know what I leave in pockets. That got me $10. In the couch cushions, behind the chairs, nooks&crannies, under dust-bunnies on the stairs. That netted me $11.56. I collect antique banks and fill them with change. There's another $24.18! I thought to clean out my e-mail files. "Ha!", you say! Silly jimm, you do not find spare change in e-mail files!

"Ha!," I would reply, "There was a $50 Barnes&Noble gift certificate from the company in there!"

And also some old grins&giggles.

I think AnaJo from New Mexico....(rhymes, huh!) sent me this link a couple of years ago....a real wingnut site, I am still not sure if it is for real, which would make it pathetic, or a satire, which would make it just a shade under brilliant. I have a feeling, though, that it is not a spoof.... but it is still hilarious. Shelly tells me about God and choices...

=============Wrong ChoicesGod’s lifestyle choices hitlist : God hates people that belong to one of the groups below because they harm America!
Animal Rights People
“Global Warming/Cooling” Believers
Linux users
“Purpose Driven” churches
Government school teachers
The anti-smoking lobby
College Professors

And Shelly covers Liberals, too!!

For those of you that are not quite clear what liberals really are, here a list of the most typical characteristics of liberals:
§ Being liberal means blaming America first and loving the enemy
§ Being liberal means destroying, hurting and mutilate innocence
§ Being liberal means killing the most innocent and defenseless, the pre-born Americans
§ Being liberal means driving foreign cars only
§ Being liberal means calling our soldiers “war criminals”
§ Being liberal means performing anal sex
§ Being liberal means having no respect
§ Being liberal means spitting on soldier’s graves
§ Being liberal means putting rohypnol in somebodies drink
§ Being liberal means laughing about Christians
§ Being liberal means having no values
§ Being liberal means having anal sex behind the dumpster
§ Being liberal means cashing welfare checks
§ Being liberal means giving the gay virus to your sexual partner
§ Being liberal means abusing children
§ Being liberal means always complaining but never offering solutions
§ Being liberal means being a coward
§ Being liberal means kicking dogs
§ Being liberal means using obscene 4-letter words
§ Being liberal means hating their own race
§ Being liberal means watching porn
§ Being liberal means using illegal drugs
§ Being liberal means not speaking the Pledge of Allegiance
§ Being liberal means not wearing a flag lapel pin
§ Being liberal means pallin’ around with terrorists
§ Being liberal means celebrating 9/11
§ Being liberal means eating cheese and drinking wine
§ Being liberal means calling real Americans “redneck” or “hillbillies”
§ Being liberal means being elitist
§ Being liberal means demanding sex “education” for children
§ Being liberal means believing that ones grandparents are monkies
§ Being liberal means animals are superior to humans
§ Being liberal means humans must die in order to protect the environment
§ Being liberal means speaking to ones plants and hugging trees
§ Being liberal means drinking tee
§ Being liberal means reading books
§ Being liberal means wearing round classes
§ Being liberal means wearing sandals
§ Being liberal means being afraid of guns
§ Being liberal means using abortion as a way of birth control
§ Being liberal means using Ubuntu, Macs and iPods
§ Being liberal means to slander and libel
§ Being liberal means to feel superior when confronted by a retard
§ Being liberal means having no compassion or empathy
§ Being liberal means being scared at night because God has rejected you
§ Being liberal means touching girls on the bus
§ Being liberal means playing with yourself while watching horror movies
§ Being liberal means to stink and never take a shower
§ Being liberal means being unemployed and blaming somebody else for it
§ Being liberal means being an atheist
§ Being liberal means being a vegetarian or vegan
§ Being liberal means hating what America stands for
§ Being liberal means going to Hell
§ Being liberal means being ANTI-AMERICAN

My favorite Shelly is:

Happy Monday!

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