Wednesday, December 30, 2009


OK.... I've really thought hard and long... almost two days.... on what I want to do for next year. I know my limitations.... or most of them. When you have as many as I do, a few of the less obvious ones escape you. Like, for instance, I cannot bend down and tie my shoelaces. I have to sit down. Ya, it may sound like a little deal... but hey, imagine walking down the street and whoosh, just like that, your shoelace comes untied! And there is no handy place to sit, so there you are! You either sit down right there in the street and look stupid or you just keep walking with your shoelace untied and look stupid. It is one of the reasons I like summer so much.... sandals do not have lace. Just saying in case no one has picked up on that. I know I could just buy loafers but it is such a dumb name for a shoe and it sounds lazy.

So I decided to keep my WoodChuck's Day resolution for 2010 simple. Not that I am a simple guy.... shit&whiskers! I am as interesting as anyone I know... except for Billy Lang. He is much more interesting. Really. He is the only guy I know who orders a gin&tonic with three olives and calls it 'soup'. Boy! I had never heard that before! And... get this! Billy quit smoking about a year ago... I think it interfered with his new habit of chewing nicotine gum. Now, I like Billy... he's really a nice guy ( only when he laughs... and he's always laughing... he sounds a bit like Mr. Ed ) so anyways... Billy is really noted as a frugal guy and so we sit there and have drinks and he will take the gum out, stick it on a straw and then stick it in his gin&tonic... ya, really. So once I asked him why he stuck the gum in his 'soup' and he told me, "So I can call it stew!" Well, boy, did he think he was funny&all and he laughed way too long. So I promised that if I did quit smoking I would never never ever stick nicotine gum in my beer.

Nope. I gotz to make a resolution that makes sense. Not like my buddy Schultzie...... and not like Schultzie ever made any sense in the first place. I mean first of all..... what's an Armenian doing with a German name? Seriously! I'm asking? And where is Armenia anyways? And what have any Armenian's ever done for me? Just asking!! Hey, I'm not diss-ing the guy. He's the coolest bald dude I know! Nobody can shave a head like Schultzie..... but he doesn't make any sense... like, dig this.... he fifty-something and knocks up his thirty-something girl friend..... now he is as happy as all get only took him forty years to figure out how it all works, and good for him.... but he is acting like he just discovered that there are FOUR bridges over the river instead of just THREE... and the fourth bridge CAN get him over to the marina in less time. OK. Schultzie doesn't make any sense. But I love him. And he never puts nicotine gum in his drinks.

And here's the other deal about making resolutions..... they have to have a semblance of possibility to them. Just a tad. Not a lot. Some. Some works really nice. I mean, my little brother, Max and Miriam's Uncle Lurch, is an eternal optimist and that just doesn't always work. Like, once, when we were kids, I asked him what he wanted for Christmas and he said he wanted a pony. Well, damn, he may as well asked for a rocket ship as much as that was going to happen. But if I recall correctly Dad was rather taken with the request and filled his stocking with a whole bunch of toy cowboys and horses and some such. Well, my older brother and I thought that was kinda mean.... hey the kid is only 6 and he really wants a horse .... so we took the toys out and filled his stocking with horse shit. At least it was more connected to a real horse that some plastic crap made in China. Right? Well, and I never will forget this, ol' Uncle Lurch just took one look at that stocking full of pony crap and he ran out to the garage and grabbed a hunk of rope and next thing you know, he was pulling on his boots and coat and was headed out the door. " Santa left me a horse," he yelled on the way out the door, " but it got away! I got to find it!!!!!" Forty years later he got as far as British Columbia where he settled for a wife instead of a horse. See! If he would have only been practical he would have only had to go to Minnesota!

I mean, this resolution thing has got to have some real balance to it. It needs to be attainable. Within the realm of possibility. Karl from the newspaper keeps thinking he's gonna find a dinosaur bone. He goes to Utah, and Nevada and other such places on his holidays looking for old bones. I tell him he would have more luck going through my garbage can. I mean, I don't take out the garbage much and I'm thinking that there could be some pork chop bones that are damn well fossilized in there, but nopes.... instead of saving his money and doing something sensible with it, like, ya know, buying me a beer.....he has to go to some dumb fuck place and sit in a desert with no shower looking for bones. Gees, no wonder newspapers are getting extinct and stuff!!

So........ I decided to make a really nifty, peachy-keen, sensible, attainable and practical resolution for 2010. On New Years day... I will buy a $1 lottery ticket and win. Millions. &millions. I wanna be filthy rich. Like, mega-rich. Maybe even more millions& billions. & even more!!!!!!
Then I will build an amusement park. I heard Orlando is a good location.


Randal Graves said...

I resolve to wake up on January 1 and watch bowl games. And spend some of the lottery winnings that you'll send me and all your internets pals, right? Right.

TomCat said...

May you keep it, Jim.

I'm resolved to give up abstinence. ;-)

Liberality said...

That sounds like a good resolution to me too. I think I'll also pay the lotto and win millions and millions of dollars. We can be rich I tell you, rich!


susan said...

I hope it's millions and billions of some currency other than the US dollar which you may need that many of to buy a beer. With that stash of coinage you photographed you may be able to afford a nice little place off continent. I hear Ecuador is nice and they have beer too - but no cheese.

TomCat said...

Happy New Year to Jim and all here.

Anonymous said...

Keep posting stuff like this i really like it.

okjimm said...

Well.... Happy New Year.... No lottery winnings... (must be a Commie plot to deny me what I deserve)... so here I am back at the Orfice. Happy New Year to all.

Anon... I'll see whatz I can do.

Professor Shoelace said...

Hey, Jim. One solution to the shoelace-coming-untied-on-the-street dilemma is to tie a more secure shoelace knot. Or, at the very least, check to see whether you are inadvertently tying your shoelaces with a Granny Knot, which is more prone to coming undone. May you only ever tie your shoelaces in the privacy of your home!

Anonymous said...

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