I'll see your three mice, and raise you two

Sometimes, when you feel that you really have nothing to say, that you can't see the darkness for all the sunlight, when you really are so lost that you cannot remember where it was you were and where it is that you were trying to get to...maybe it's the truth but the truth is a brutal lonely place full of tigers and scarlet whores and vicious pimps.  It is why we lie.

Oh, and we lie... we all do.  To others for all sorts of reasons, gain, vanity,guilt,venality.  We lie to the ones we love... sometimes to protect, or preserve or from shame. The worst is why we lie to ourselves.... the truth is .... that that is the greatest sin of all... for we really can't stand thinking of why we do it and we wake up almost daily and do it again.

So I'm telling myself some truth here and I do not like it one little bit but if I don't I will drown deep and cold.
 I am not young... though it has taken me most of my life to realize that. Young is merely a state of mind... and now, with all the creeping grey in the hair line and beard.... young is a distortion of what I see in the mirror.  And with not being young... comes other problems..... please try to see what I mean.... because... it is getting harder and harder for me to see.  Truly.  They are called cataracts.

..and the kicker is... I am unemployed... with no insurance... and I am scared shitless... because how do you get a job... when you cannot see.

22... catch it?

so... I deal daily with vast amounts of depression, anxiety.  five hours of sleep a night is a good thing... if I can manage that much.
Not being able to see who is standing smack dab in front of me, more than four feet away, is impossible.

So.. I have gone to Social Services... trying to find a way to get some help with this... it may work out....but it just adds to the depression....
Aw, fuck it anyways!!!
Went to the University today and talked with Joe. He works in Tests &Evaluations... has been at school for thiry years. He knows everybody.  Took me to lunch... at one of the Commons... chockfull of all sorts of HS kids on campus for some HS thingee or another.  He introduces me  to Gary who works in Academic advisement and continuing adult education.  See, way back in the day, I dropped out of college with about a semester to go.  Different story.  Gary said there is a program, just for people like me....whip my old transcripts out of cold storage and find out what I need.  Could be just a class or two... I was in School of Education... maybe can get a 'non licenses-able degree'.... meaning I will never be able to teach, but still retain the degree.
Just more anxiety, fuck, but anwayz... what the fuck.  Get it while I can still read...
So... that is why I haven't done a few posts.  I have to get about six inches from the goddam screen to read this shit, type this shit.  But in the grand scheme....

See, when the onset started, I just thought I needed new glasses.  And I put it off....shit... I gottzta stop here... this is just turning to mush... I didn't want mush... I wanted naked angst... cause angst don't wear no clothers and angst don't think and angst don't give no never mind... all angst does is sit down to eat .....and you are the supper.
So I haven't a clue... I busy myslef all day,,, and hope to sleep at night.  I saw a free counselor the other day..he thinks he can get me to a free shrink... get some free meds... thinks there may be a cheap program to fix the eyes....
ya know.... just when you think your life is shit... you discover it can be shittier.
see, even when you are no longer young, you can still learn.
I was always adverse to writing this kind a personal shit.... but then thaought, what the fuck... I think there are some folks out there that think they know me a bit.... now you know a little more.
and it ain't no deal.... this is all just saying and stuff....

ok... I have to go.  My friend, Jackie, is having a birthday party at 4.  Meeting Joe and we are both going ... Jackie was on the debate team at the U.  She has been the City Manager's secretary for 35 years.... knows where all the bones are in this town... it should be a good party.

SEE... cause you don't have to read your beer before drinking.

still out to lunch....

stuff.... just can't wrap my head around writing.... or at least posting what I am writing...still deciding if it is blog appropriate.


have a coffee and doughnut on me.

Out to Lunch

... self service today..... drop a howdy... leave a tip

My old man

.... loved his family very much smoked
Raleigh cigarettes
had polio so he had a left shoe that was enormous
could get really mad and yell... then go bake cupcakes and cookies to say he was sorry
ate pickled pigs feet while watching Star Trek
Love Mitch Miller and bagpipes
ran a paint store and then sold advertising
would futz around making stuff in the basement until he cut off parts of two fingers and mom sold his table saw
loved telling corny jokes, the cornier the better
loved watching his sons play HS sports
went to church on a weekly basis and was very active in church, but never argued when all his kids stopped
won WWII (drafted despite the polio.he was an artillery gunner cause he couldn't march) all by himself
thought Walter Cronkite was the most honest man in America
raised, at turns, pigeons, pheasants, parakeets,finches...always was a birdbrain
loved classical music...though he didn't know much about it.... played it constantly
was a generous even when he had little
when I was little told me that Jews were people that went to a different church, "no different than Methodists"
Was in total control of Christmas.....the more lights, ribbons, bows,packages,carols... the better
would get a little tipsy on New Year's Eve and call his old army buddy... every year
called most sundays to tell me it was hotter,colder,rainier, snowier,sunnier,gustier, where he was than where I was
Liked Brandy Old Fashioneds
read my comic books, but not my Mad magazines
Shared my passion for Tarzan, Edgar Rice Burroughs,but thought Buck Rodgers was greater than Flash Gordon
had broken his left leg about 18 times in ten different places (polio again)
couldn't throw a football for shit
got really pissed off at me once when I came home from school early and found him and mom having a 'nooner'
used to give me a silver dollar on my birthday
thought gardening was the most manly thing you could do...loved flowers
told me once my pot plant needed a bigger pot
positively could not get enough time to spend with his grandchildren... and the only time I saw him cry was when Nick died at only two years old
was embarrassed to no end when he walked in on me,at my college apartment,and caught me and a girlfriend having a 'nooner'
gave me passion for gummy candy
loved Western movies
told me his appendectomy scar was a 'bayonet' wound... and I believed him
thought Viet Nam was a 'just' war... and would argue it with me... and when I got drafted found all the documentation on my rheumatic fever, fucked up ankles... and everything else he could think of to flunk the physical ( I did..but that is another story)
Almost died from Pride when I brought the college debate team to his house after a tournament in LaCrosse
also liked pickled herring, pickled beets,pickled eggs,pickled turkey gizzards.... but did not like pickels
he....... was........ STUFF
and
I
Miss HIM tremendously......
have a great day, Eugeneio