Friday, July 25, 2008

Ich bin ein Berliner

Gees, Susan, there may or may not be a Santa Clause, but the Bud Wagon is pulled by Clydesdales, not Percherons...and while I will whimsically, casually, carelessly jump onto any ol bandwagon I am a true-blue Beer Snob and will not jump onto a Bud Wagon.... And brand of horse not truly relevant....those are both REALLY REALLY big horses and I believe there are insufficient funds .......

(I get a lotta mail with documents enclosed marked as such, so I know what I am talking about) in the campaign budget
to provide for and an adequate number of pails and shovels to clean up after all the horse-shit. Now, campaigns may be fueled with bull-shit but all horse shit needs to be collected, removed and composted. So, Susan, I gotza problem wit dem big horses...if we use more than two, we have to downsize them

However, Susan, your note did get me to thinking..... and that is dangerous, please give me some room.... that while the campaign is going great..... except for the VP candidate playing 'catch-up' with hubby..

*Break me up! Never heard it called 'catch-up' before! Gees!*
..the ticket of Jood/Nunly does NOT have a political party NAME. And that's a gotta be fixed! Well, I thought for a moment that we could call it the Pail&Shovel Party..... but that was done before in 1979 by

some very cool dudes at the UW-Madison campus. And they did fulfill the most ambitious of all their campaign promises, mainly, bringing the

Statue of Liberty to Madison. Now we could just steal the name and recycle it, or we could invent a new name.......and Wowsers.....I betcha there would be a bunch a good suggestions. So, Susan, as the Director of Refreshments, I delegate that job to you. Now you may very well ask where do I get the authority to assign you such a job, but you will not get an answer. I am the Director of Refreshment and as such am way above giving answers.

I think, too, that the campaign needs a very specific, very do-able goal. Like, say, tearing down the Berlin Wall. I don't think it should be too difficult. Someone just needs to have the verve to stand up to the USSR and say, " Mr. Gorbachev , tear down this wall." It really shouldn't be that hard. And if they don't want to tear it down, maybe we could trade for it, ya know, like we will give them Shea Stadium; they are gonna tear it

and New York could sure use it to keep all the illegal aliens from Jersey out.

Ok, Susan, I gotzta say no to the big horses thing.

The campaign has much more important things to accomplish and heavier considerations to weigh...... like..... is a doughnut better with custard filling....or jelly.

Ich bin ein Randaler.

*A Wowsers UPDATE..... pending Candidates approval.....The Jood/Nunly campaign is running on the

Shit From Shinola Party Ticket!

* Just to help differentiate.... This is Shinola

And this is shit....

Wednesday, July 23, 2008


OK. I try not to do politics.But good old Diva Jood from Journeys with Jood and Nunly from Bad Habits have decided to run for Prezidint and Vice-Prezidint. On a third party ticket.

(Frankly it should be a fifth-party ticket-they bring the fifth ana we all party.)

It dawned on me that if elected they would need transportation. Not some ritzy jet or gas guzzling bus, but a method of getting about the purple mountains majesty and the amber waves of grain...from sea to shining sea. Something eco-friendly and in tune with conserving fossil fuels.I have consulted with friends, greased a few palms and am pleased and proud to invest upon them a way to get about and campaign.....

Air Horse 1*

*pail and shovel not included.

Monday, July 21, 2008

I'll gladly pay you tuesday for a hamburger today

Sunday was a busy day. I think I am still recovering. I got in an early morning bike ride and a stop at the New Moon for some coffee and a cheese scone.
The Moon is a mellow place on a Sunday morning, opens early and I have a nasty habit of waking up early, no matter how late I am up, so it is nice to be able to get a paper and coffee and use the wireless to check blogs.

It really is a nice cozy spot, Jazz on the stereo and Vanessa or Meaghan usually work on Sunday mornings and they know me and I know them and it's a nice kick back place where no one freaks out if you take your sandals off.

The real deal, though, is that I had promised I would take Miriam out for lunch, and, in honor of her past birthday.....anywhere she wanted to go.

So she picks this place on the frontage the freeway.....gourmet something burgers.

Now I like a good burger. Just a flat out hamburger on a nice bakery bun, little ketchup. Just plain old burger with a cup of coffee. It can be a thing of beauty in it's simplicity. I grok a good burger.

Ok. So we go to this place she has been bugging me about for a year or so, Red Robin. Now as soon as we hit the parking lot, I don't like this place. It is a franchise and I really hate franchises. And as soon as we walk in the door, I loathe it. The decor reminds me of a McDonalds on steroids. A fucking overload of bland. Brightly lit. I mean, nothing was bad, it was clean and everything, but it just was, I dunno, dumb. No real charm, just fake, plastic-tiky.

Ok, I'm with Miriam and this is where she wanted to go and I'm gonna be a good dude and not say anything, ah, nasty, or critical. Just keep my mouth shut. Which is gonna be hard cause as soon as I look at the menu and notice that all the "burgers' are nine bucks and up...well, gees!....and there is no BURGER on the menu. NO PLAIN BURGER!! Now, what is up with that????? They have names like '5Alarm Burger' & 'Banzai Burger'& 'Guacamole Bacon Burger' & 'Whiskey River BBQ Burger'. Shit!!!! I wanted a hamburger....not some shit burfger. knock me down and piss on me!!! A Hamburger!!! And I'm looking at the photos in the menu and it's like I'm looking at some air-brush porn or sumptin! This stuff comes with shit I cannot pronounce.....and other stuff I really don't want on a hamburger....pineapple chunks and strange flavored mayo and sushi sauce. Seriously, it was like looking at a bunch of whores hanging out at a Maytag Repairman convention. Sheesh!!

Ok. Miriam talks me into ordering some onion rings, too. $8 for onion rings!
Like, what is in that batter, gold??? The price was really $7.99----and what is up with that??! $7.99 IS 8 buckeroos....they think I'm stooopid or something?

But I am being a nice guy and keeping my mouth shut and not complaining cause the kid picked the place out &all. We're chatting and chuckling and she is telling me all the stuff she wants to talk about; her brother is a schumk and lost her cell phone charger and Mickey is pissed at Kara cause Kara didn't tell her some stuff she was supposed to and Kara is blaming Miriam........and I love the kid to death so I am just nodding and grinning and it's a nice talk, but the place is just making me feel numb, like I ate a couple of qualudes and the place is full of people, but I just can't escape this vacant feeling.

Well, the food shows up and I gotta pretend it is food, cause Fuck-me-Jesus-in-a-bathtub, it sure isn't any burgers that I recognize and they are as big as the State-O-Maine and I take one look and I know I have as much chance of eating that whole thing as I do of humping a buffalo in the middle of a stampede. Wowsers!

Gees, I was wishing I was back at the Moon.

And , Holy-Mother-of-Pearl! These burgers have so much shit on 'em you can hardly tell where the meat is! Much less taste the meat!

All right. Maybe I am out of touch with some things in the world today. Could be I am just a simple guy. I think that may be a good thing. Or maybe not. But that joint is not gonna see my shoes walk in anytime soon. It kind of reminded me why I don't watch a lotta TV anymore, or listen to politicans much. There just seems to be a lot of shit wrapped around what it is I really want where every I go. What ever I want to buy.
But I know the next time I really want a hamburger I am going down the the corner of Merritt and Bowen to Ratch&Deb's and get a real hamburger. Shoot the shit with the waitress that calls me 'Honey'.

Three bucks. Ketchup. No extra charge iffen I wanted fried onions on it.

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