Thursday, June 23, 2011

I'll see your three mice, and raise you two

Sometimes, when you feel that you really have nothing to say, that you can't see the darkness for all the sunlight, when you really are so lost that you cannot remember where it was you were and where it is that you were trying to get to...maybe it's the truth but the truth is a brutal lonely place full of tigers and scarlet whores and vicious pimps.  It is why we lie.

Oh, and we lie... we all do.  To others for all sorts of reasons, gain, vanity,guilt,venality.  We lie to the ones we love... sometimes to protect, or preserve or from shame. The worst is why we lie to ourselves.... the truth is .... that that is the greatest sin of all... for we really can't stand thinking of why we do it and we wake up almost daily and do it again.

So I'm telling myself some truth here and I do not like it one little bit but if I don't I will drown deep and cold.
 I am not young... though it has taken me most of my life to realize that. Young is merely a state of mind... and now, with all the creeping grey in the hair line and beard.... young is a distortion of what I see in the mirror.  And with not being young... comes other problems..... please try to see what I mean.... because... it is getting harder and harder for me to see.  Truly.  They are called cataracts.
..and the kicker is... I am unemployed... with no insurance... and I am scared shitless... because how do you get a job... when you cannot see.

22... catch it?

so... I deal daily with vast amounts of depression, anxiety.  five hours of sleep a night is a good thing... if I can manage that much.
Not being able to see who is standing smack dab in front of me, more than four feet away, is impossible.

So.. I have gone to Social Services... trying to find a way to get some help with this... it may work out....but it just adds to the depression....
Aw, fuck it anyways!!!
Went to the University today and talked with Joe. He works in Tests &Evaluations... has been at school for thiry years. He knows everybody.  Took me to lunch... at one of the Commons... chockfull of all sorts of HS kids on campus for some HS thingee or another.  He introduces me  to Gary who works in Academic advisement and continuing adult education.  See, way back in the day, I dropped out of college with about a semester to go.  Different story.  Gary said there is a program, just for people like me....whip my old transcripts out of cold storage and find out what I need.  Could be just a class or two... I was in School of Education... maybe can get a 'non licenses-able degree'.... meaning I will never be able to teach, but still retain the degree.
Just more anxiety, fuck, but anwayz... what the fuck.  Get it while I can still read...
So... that is why I haven't done a few posts.  I have to get about six inches from the goddam screen to read this shit, type this shit.  But in the grand scheme....

See, when the onset started, I just thought I needed new glasses.  And I put it off....shit... I gottzta stop here... this is just turning to mush... I didn't want mush... I wanted naked angst... cause angst don't wear no clothers and angst don't think and angst don't give no never mind... all angst does is sit down to eat .....and you are the supper.
So I haven't a clue... I busy myslef all day,,, and hope to sleep at night.  I saw a free counselor the other day..he thinks he can get me to a free shrink... get some free meds... thinks there may be a cheap program to fix the eyes....
ya know.... just when you think your life is shit... you discover it can be shittier.
see, even when you are no longer young, you can still learn.
I was always adverse to writing this kind a personal shit.... but then thaought, what the fuck... I think there are some folks out there that think they know me a bit.... now you know a little more.
and it ain't no deal.... this is all just saying and stuff....

ok... I have to go.  My friend, Jackie, is having a birthday party at 4.  Meeting Joe and we are both going ... Jackie was on the debate team at the U.  She has been the City Manager's secretary for 35 years.... knows where all the bones are in this town... it should be a good party.

SEE... cause you don't have to read your beer before drinking.


susan said...

I've been young all my life too and really can't believe the numbers I've added up over the years, decades, whatever. I'm guessing I'm older in human years than you are because you look so young and dashing in your pictures. That and there's nothing more attractive than the grin of an intelligent man drinking with his buddies - even if that's only a picture held in my mind's eye.

I have incipient cataracts as well as a ton of garbage inside my corneas that were found when I complained about floaters and blurry spots. Eventually they'll be able to fix the cataracts but not the other thing. The suggestion of blindness is one of the scariest ones to have although I'm not very happy with my family history of senile dementia either. I refuse to talk about teeth.

I really hate how damn difficult it is to get ordinary medical care in the US. I worked for many years fighting with insurance companies on patients behalf. One thing you might try is contacting the financial service department at your university hospital in Milwaukie. There's also a national help service for people with cataracts at Mission Cataract USA that might provide some help if they haven't gone out of business.

I wish you well. The cartoon is great.

nonnie9999 said...

jimm, you might want to contact the lions club. they're on a mission to fight blindness, so they might be able to steer you in the right direction so you can get the cataracts taken care of. hey, the worst they can say is no, right?

i won't get all mushy, because i know you'd hate that, so i'll just wish you the best.

Randal Graves said...

No mush, I'll set stuff on fire in your honor. Fuck dude, bonne chance. Follow up with the previous commenters' suggestions & I'll buy you a beer.

okjimm said...

Thanks all for the links and thoughts.

It was suggested to me... that instead of being some tough asshole...I start telling people about my problems...and get some help.

... and I think I am.
but I want my snark back too. Only I can do that. Lemmee work on it!!!

Squatlo said...

I can relate, in a big way. About a year ago I woke up with a blind spot in my right eye, thought it was just a "floater" that wasn't floating. Optometrist sent me to specialist, who sent me for a brain scan and MRI. Final verdict was something called lateral ischemic optic neuropathy, basically a stroke of the eye. So I dash home, Google said disorder and find that in most cases it's irreversible (and even better) and quite often leads to total blindness in both eyes.
Try fitting your mind around that when you make your money as a professional photographer. I checked, and blind shooters aren't in demand these days. They tend to top their subjects a bit...
anyway, they told me this kind of thing happens, usually at night during sleep, rarely during waking hours. Great. Now I don't sleep worth a shit waiting for the Hooey Gods to strike me blind.
So I take a lot of pictures while I can, hope someone will find my website and say, "Sumbitch, I NEED 20x30" prints of ALL of these bird photos for my nationwide chain of mountain chalets!"
The phone isn't ringing. And for what it's worth, my eyesight is far worse now than when I had it checked, although no one I know is aware of that sad fact. I'd rather not hear that I should see this specialist or that specialist when we really can't afford top shelf beer, much less top flight medical care.
Cheers! My older sister's going deaf, so I figure when the time comes she can lead us around and I'll tell her what people are saying about us!

Cormac Brown said...

Good luck to you, and I hope you turn it around, man. Take care.

Anonymous said...

okjimm, here are some links for financial aid for eyecare:

I wish I could be there to help in any way I could. Perhaps to give you a hug. You're correct; let people know what you're going through - you'd be surprised at their reaction and their willingness to give more of themselves. You're in my prayers, dear soul.

okjimm said...

SDS... thanks for the links. Disclosure is a good thing. My friend
Tim also pointed out that our mutual friend Tom IS my eye doctor and would probably do a free exam... but I hate asking... I think Tim is going to ask for me.

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