Sometimes, when you feel that you really have nothing to say, that you can't see the darkness for all the sunlight, when you really are so lost that you cannot remember where it was you were and where it is that you were trying to get to...maybe it's the truth but the truth is a brutal lonely place full of tigers and scarlet whores and vicious pimps. It is why we lie.
Oh, and we lie... we all do. To others for all sorts of reasons, gain, vanity,guilt,venality. We lie to the ones we love... sometimes to protect, or preserve or from shame. The worst is why we lie to ourselves.... the truth is .... that that is the greatest sin of all... for we really can't stand thinking of why we do it and we wake up almost daily and do it again.
So I'm telling myself some truth here and I do not like it one little bit but if I don't I will drown deep and cold.
I am not young... though it has taken me most of my life to realize that. Young is merely a state of mind... and now, with all the creeping grey in the hair line and beard.... young is a distortion of what I see in the mirror. And with not being young... comes other problems..... please try to see what I mean.... because... it is getting harder and harder for me to see. Truly. They are called cataracts.
22... catch it?
so... I deal daily with vast amounts of depression, anxiety. five hours of sleep a night is a good thing... if I can manage that much.
Not being able to see who is standing smack dab in front of me, more than four feet away, is impossible.
So.. I have gone to Social Services... trying to find a way to get some help with this... it may work out....but it just adds to the depression....
Aw, fuck it anyways!!!
Went to the University today and talked with Joe. He works in Tests &Evaluations... has been at school for thiry years. He knows everybody. Took me to lunch... at one of the Commons... chockfull of all sorts of HS kids on campus for some HS thingee or another. He introduces me to Gary who works in Academic advisement and continuing adult education. See, way back in the day, I dropped out of college with about a semester to go. Different story. Gary said there is a program, just for people like me....whip my old transcripts out of cold storage and find out what I need. Could be just a class or two... I was in School of Education... maybe can get a 'non licenses-able degree'.... meaning I will never be able to teach, but still retain the degree.
Just more anxiety, fuck, but anwayz... what the fuck. Get it while I can still read...
So... that is why I haven't done a few posts. I have to get about six inches from the goddam screen to read this shit, type this shit. But in the grand scheme....
See, when the onset started, I just thought I needed new glasses. And I put it off....shit... I gottzta stop here... this is just turning to mush... I didn't want mush... I wanted naked angst... cause angst don't wear no clothers and angst don't think and angst don't give no never mind... all angst does is sit down to eat .....and you are the supper.
So I haven't a clue... I busy myslef all day,,, and hope to sleep at night. I saw a free counselor the other day..he thinks he can get me to a free shrink... get some free meds... thinks there may be a cheap program to fix the eyes....
ya know.... just when you think your life is shit... you discover it can be shittier.
see, even when you are no longer young, you can still learn.
I was always adverse to writing this kind a personal shit.... but then thaought, what the fuck... I think there are some folks out there that think they know me a bit.... now you know a little more.
and it ain't no deal.... this is all just saying and stuff....
ok... I have to go. My friend, Jackie, is having a birthday party at 4. Meeting Joe and we are both going ... Jackie was on the debate team at the U. She has been the City Manager's secretary for 35 years.... knows where all the bones are in this town... it should be a good party.
SEE... cause you don't have to read your beer before drinking.