Friday, September 19, 2008

If the Shoe Fits, Ride it!

I don't know how this happened. Or maybe I do and I am just in denial.

I am going horseback riding.

"Oh, C'mon... it'll be fun!"
" No. It won't. I have done it before. It isn't fun."
"Spoil sport!"
"Besides, the Packer game is Sunday."
"They don't play till 7 o'clock. We'll be home by then!"
"I'll be dead by then!"
"C'mon..... everyone is going!"
Oh, shit&stuff..... the dreaded Everyone.
So I am going horseback riding on some goddam trail on Sunday. This is not my idea. Horses are big and dangerous.... and smell like..........uh, horses. I have tried this in the past and can easily say that I have never been on a horse that wanted ME to be on IT. Gimmee a break..... Why would I want to get on a horse when I have a perfectly good bicycle? My bicycle has never kicked me, stepped on me, bit me or drooled on me. And my bike has never shit in the street, either!
My bike has perfectly good brakes, which is much more than I can say for any horse
I have ever been on.
Now getting ON a horse is no big deal, it is the getting off part that really bothers me. I looked it up!

It’s inevitable—if you ride, you will fall off. Even the quietest, most well schooled horse can spook, bolt or buck. This can result in your making an ‘unscheduled dismount’. There is no way to completely avoid falls when you are riding. And there is no way to guarantee you will fall without injury. But the following tips may help you lessen the impact of a fall while horseback riding. There is no sure way to avoid a fall or injury while horseback riding. Even knowing how to fall 'properly' is no guarantee you will not be injured if you do fall.

And damn straight I WILL fall off the goddam horse! I have never been on a horse that I have NOT fallen off!

No, that is incorrect. I did own a horse that was pretty safe.

But come to think of it, I probably fell off of that one, too!

Gees, I am getting anxiety attacks already. And what's the deal with horseback riding, anyways! I mean, this is Wisconsin..... there are just bunches of stuff we could do on a beautiful fall day other than horse riding,

like drinking beer

It is a relatively safe thing to do.......

Or go boating. I have yet to have a boat kick me.

I just fail to see how riding 'future' dog food on a sunday morning is any fun at all. But there is absolutely no sense in beating a dead horse.......

..... So I may as well just say Horse Feathers and forget about it.

This middle-aged dating stuff is not for the timid. Next time, though, I am just gonna suggest we go for lunch and visit a museum... they have horses there, too!



Randal Graves said...

Once upon a time when I was in the boy scouts - any of you laugh, I'll kill ya/Lighten up, Francis - I rode a horse. Didn't want to, had to. Our trail went by a cliff with a drop of at least a few hundred feet and that's when the bastard decided to get all psycho and speed up. That is the closest I've ever been to death.

You sir, are insane. I wish you nothing but the best, but I'd rather walk across the Sahara then ride a horse. You can pick my bleached bones by helicopter at some point in the future.

See what dating gets you? Instead of flirting with a lovely lady, you get to bat your eyelashes at the reaper.
Good luck! ;-)

DivaJood said...

The things you men do for love. I have no sympathy for you, Jimm. Should I start planning your honeymoon? Where does she want to go? Where do you want to go? Have you guys picked out a China Pattern?

Mary Ellen said...

Horses can sense fear and when they do they get all spooked out. Good luck, I'll visit you in the hospital. ;-)

La Belette Rouge said...

So many thought come to mind in regards to this post:
1) Why did it take me so long to get to your blog? It was your Salinger comment that made me click on over.
2) This post makes me think of the title of one of David Foster Wallace's book, " Another supposedly fun thing I will never do again." I hope that is not the name of your next post.;-)
3) I have never been horse back riding.
4) A friend of mine who upon hearing I had not gave me this wise council,"it is not a good idea to get on the back of something that tall that has such a very low iq." I see her point.
Hope you have fun!

Anajo/Anijo/JoAnn said...

The problem with riding a horse is that the result is a crotch which hurts like hell if you ride the damned horse long enough. I prefer to walk or hike.

Border Explorer said...

Ouchie! I agree with Joann. I only rode once; in a few days I could walk normally without having to pretend it didn't hurt like hell.

Just say 'yes' to Advil. And good luck.

okjimm said...

Wowsers.... Randal was a Boy Scout... I am sure he has several merit badges in cynicism and sarcarsm and classical music appreciation! :) Probably a few in Girl Scout Cookies, too! ;)

Diva... oh, sure, China Pattern is registerd at Goodwill.... he he

ME... Mercy Medical.... check me out on monday.

LBR.... anytime. come back anytime. You are welcome

Jo.... you my bud long time. I agree ... hike, bike is much better/

BE... sorry I haven't commented on your blog.... you write so well! I already stocked some painkillers..... for love I stop short.... for the anticipation of love..... I buy painkillers.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
susan said...

I was a horse fanatic. I enjoyed the feeling of a powerful animal clamped between my youthful thighs as we raced over hills and across the fields. Then I discovered men.

Freida Bee said...

I am a former horse rider. Loved it. Did it at camp and then secretly rode my neighbor's horse bareback no less an entire summer as a teen. It was wonderful

After not being on a horse in a long time, I was bucked off one when I was 17. It came down on my shin, which I am happy to say healed up on its own in about a month. I hate to be cliche, but I haven't been on a horse since, though I would love to really. If a guy (including my husband) would go along horseback riding with me, I'd like that. (Besides, all that rhythmic riding does something to a lady's nether regions (besides eventually making them go numb)....

Good luck with that (as the wise Spongebob once said).

Mary Ellen said...

okjimm--now I feel bad for teasing you...darned Catholic guilt. You'll be fine, honest. My 8 year old granddaughter has been taking riding lessons for over a year...maybe two, and she's fine. Never been bucked off and she absolutely loves it. Sure, her little body is a lot more pliable than our older bodies, but it won't be so bad that a couple of Advil, like BE suggested and a pitcher of beer won't cure. I'll bet you'll be feeling a lot better than you did after your night out on the town with the college crowd last weekend.

Have fun...enjoy new experiences...get drunk!

Randal Graves said...

I never got any cookies from Girl Scouts and that hurt 'cause the girl with the long brown hair was one. Sigh.

Um, ME gives good advice, but please get drunk after riding. The odds are already too good that you're going to get injured. ;-)

Liberality said...

I rode a horse once. It bucked me off about 7 times before I gave up. I was just a kid then and getting thrown didn't hurt me too badly. Now I don't know, it might hurt a lot worse.

Unconventional Conventionist said...

OK, Serious advice.

Horses can be little BASTARDS.
Whatcha gotta do is make sure that when you, and I mean YOU, cinch the horse, which means you're tightening the saddle onto the bastard;

STICK YOUR KNEE into that fuckers rib cage! I mean it! Take it from one homo-rodeo muthah fuckah!

Here's the deal; that little bastard will inhale and hold his/her chest cavity FULL! You gotta make him/her exhale, and GOOD! 'Cause what s/he will do is inhale and if s/he is not a young one, your saddle situation will be WAY unsecured. The bitch will go from walk, and past canter to IMMEDIATE GALLOP then EXHALE! You will find yourself falling off that goddamned horse right about then.

I'm just saying...I've been there.

DAD said...

Really, Jimmmm, when you make a blog, they cannot stop you any more! Think of these poor small Frenchmen who have to translate everything in them poor language..... Pffff...
I have still seen a guy of Oskosh this summer... (It was marked on his TShirt)

Mary Ellen said...

Oh-oh....where's okjimm? I was waiting for the horse ride update and he's not around.

I'll come back later. Maybe okjimm's ass is too sore to sit at the computer.


okjimm said...

susan... //Then I discovered men.//

Break me up!!

Freida.. //(besides eventually making them go numb)....//

Gees, you guys are killing me. And so are my legs, my back.

Libbs.... //Now I don't know, it might hurt a lot worse.//

you are correct... it does hurt a lot worse!

UC.... I Forgot the Knife!!!!

Randal... //get drunk after riding//
It was the only way to wash away the humilitation.... and the pain

Dad, mon ami... I will visit! Soon!

Anonymous said...

I'm sorry I got to this so late, but dude...if you drink enough, you could fall off a bar stool....

I'm just sayin..

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