Aries march 21-april 20
Your mail carrier really really dislikes the amount of junk mail you get. He/she knocks twice. Don't answer.
Taurus april 21 -whenever
The itchy-burning feelin in your asshole is indicative of how people think of you. It will never get better
Gemini early 1952-late 1978
Your delinquent attitude towards personal hygiene means you will not get laid anytime soon.
Cancer 4:15am-9:00 pm yesterday
That green shit at the back of the fridge is inedible. Could be a good time to consider ordering take-out deep-fried Afghani goatskins.
Leo july 23-july 24
God is busy playing monopoly with Jerry Garcia and will not answer your prayers. He never loved you anyway.
Virgo nov 32-dec 34
Don't take a taxi this week. Life is not fare.
Libra dec 7 1941
People laugh at you, not with you. It's time you realize the truth.
Scorpio dusk-dawn
You will win a small fortune at Oneida Casino after spending a large one first. The Red Brothers love you.
Sagittarius 9-5
You're expectations are too high. Eating Lucky Charms will not help.
Capricorn never-1929
You can never go home again. The house is foreclosed, the phone turned off and your parents have not left a forwarding address.
Aquarius last week
The Jew hate you, the Mulims despise you and Christians loathe you. See!...there is a God.
Pices blue monday
She didn't really like you. It was a mercy-fuck. Get over it.
*ok. so maybe it wasn't all that funny...... but at least I didn't do a post about something with a lot of social relevance..... like this.
3 comments:
people laugh at me? :(
I sure ain't gonna drink what you are drinkin. You is demented man. thoroughly, utterly de men ted!
Horrorscope is Overkill's second best album. I always knew you were a fan.
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