Tuesday, October 28, 2008

I HAVE AN AGENDA!





OOPs!! Wrong Martin! Never mind!


Nope, that Dude had a dream...... I am checking on folks with an AGENDA.... ya know, like John McHappyPol is talking about.....

MCCAIN:(speaking re: Palin) As a cold political calculation, I could not be more pleased. She has excited and energized our base. She is a direct counterpoint to the liberal feminist agenda for America. She has a wonderful family. She's a reformer. She's a conservative. She's the best thing that could have happened to my campaign and to America.

OK.... so I checked out this liberal feminist agenda thingee...googled it... and found:

FEMINIST AGENDA
0800 - 0815 Introduction, Opening Remarks
0815 - 0915 Plot to Overthrow World Leadership
0915 - 0930 BREAK - Coffee and donuts
0930 - 1030 Undermine World Religions
1030 - 1200 General Attacks on the Institution of the American Family

1200 - 1300 Catered Lunch and Fashion Show
1300 - 1330 Plot to Remove All Men From The World
1330 - 1400 BREAK - Cake and Champagne
1400 - 1500 Leave Husbands (If Applicable)
1500 - 1530 Kill Children
1530 - 1700 Become Lesbian
1730+ Evening Mixer; Open Bar

Well, Shit&Bisquits! That would be a heavy day for anyone! I am truly glad I am not a liberal feminist with an agenda.... GOLLLEEE GOP! That would just plumb wear me out! But I guess I could be one... if I wanted to. I think I have the balls to be a liberal feminist.



..... But a whole agenda? Gees, it sounds like a lotta work.

a·gen·da
n. pl. a·gen·das
1. A list or program of things to be done or considered:

Usually I have a simple agenda, like, ya know.... wake up, have coffee and doughnut, go to work, pretend to work, go home, have beer.

Anyways, my good buddy at work, Curt, and I were discussing what all the fuss is on the Right-Wing-Lipstick-Pitbull-Bullshit Agenda and why THEY are so concerned about agendas.

Like the Gay Agenda. I was kinda concerned, there, too, so I looked that up and, ya know..... The Republicans are RIGHT! This is what I found!

The Homosexual Agenda
8:00 a.m. Wake up. Wonder where you are.
8:01 a.m. Realize you are lying on 100 percent cotton sheets of at least a 300 count, so don't panic; you're not slumming.
8:02 a.m. Realize you are actually in your own bed for a change. Wake stranger next to you and tell them you are late for work so won't be able to cook breakfast for them. Mutter "sorry" as you help him look for his far-flung underwear. You find out that you tore his boxers while ripping them off him last night, so you "loan" him a pair of boxer-briefs, but not the new ones because you never intend to see him again.
8:05 a.m. Tell the stranger, whose name eludes you, "It was fun. I'll give you a call," as you usher him out the door, avoiding his egregious morning-breath.
8:06 a.m. Crumple and dispose of the piece of paper with his telephone number on it when you get to the kitchen.
8:07 a.m. Make a high protein breakfast while watching the Today show. Wonder if the stories you've heard about Matt Lauer are true. Decide they must be.
8:30 a.m. Italian or domestic? Decide to go with three-button Italian and the only shirt that is clean.
8:45 a.m. Climb into red Z4 and try not to look too much like Barbie driving one of her accessories as you pull out of your underground parking. Revos or Armanis? Go with Revos.
9:35 a.m. Stroll into office.
9:36 a.m. Close door to office and call best friend and laugh about the guy who spent the night at your condo. Point out something annoying about best friend's boyfriend but quickly add "It doesn't matter what everyone else thinks, just as long as you love him."
10:15 a.m. Leave office, telling your secretary you are "meeting with a client." Pretend not to notice her insubordinate roll of her eyes (or the cloying "poem" she has tacked to her cubicle wall).
10:30 a.m. Hair appointment for lowlights and cut. Purchase of Aveda anti-humectant pomade.
11:30 a.m. Run into personal trainer at gym. Pester him about getting you Human Growth Hormone. Spend 30 minutes talking to friends on your cell phone while using Hammer Strength machines, preparing a mental-matrix of which circuit parties everyone is going to and which are now passe.
12:00pm Tan. Schedule back-waxing in time for Saturday party where you know you will end up shirtless.
12:30 p.m. Pay trainer for anabolic steroids and schedule a workout. Shower, taking ten minutes to knot your tie while you check-out your best friend's boyfriend undress with the calculation of someone used to wearing a t-back and having dollars stuffed in their crotch.
1:00 p.m. Meet someone for whom you only know his waist, chest and penis size from AOL M4M chat for lunch at a hot, new restaurant. Because the maître d' recognizes you from a gay bar, you are whisked past the Christian heterosexual couples who have been waiting patiently for a table since 12:30.
2:30 p.m. "Dessert at your place." Find out, once again, people lie on AOL.
3:33 p.m. Assume complete control of the U.S., state, and local governments (in addition to other nations' governments); destroy all healthy Christian marriages; recruit all children grades Kindergarten through 12 into your amoral, filthy lifestyle; secure complete control of the media, starting with sitcoms; molest innocent children; give AIDS to as many people as you can; host a pornographic "art" exhibit at your local art museum; and turn people away from Jesus, causing them to burn forever in Hell.
4:10 p.m. Time permitting, bring about the general decline of Western Civilization and look like you are having way too much fun doing it.
4:30 p.m. Take a disco-nap to prevent facial wrinkles from the stress of world conquest and being so terribly witty.
6:00 p.m. Open a fabulous new bottle of Malbec.
6:47 P.M. Bake Ketamine for weekend. Test recipe.
7:00 P.M. Go to Abercrombie & Fitch and announce in a loud voice, "Over!"
7:40 P.M. Stop looking at the photographic displays at Abercrombie & Fitch and go to a cool store to begin shopping.
8:30 p.m. Light dinner with catty homosexual friends at a restaurant you will be "over" by the time it gets its first review in the local paper.
10:30 p.m. Cocktails at a debauched gay bar, trying to avoid alcoholic queens who can't navigate a crowd with a lit cigarette in one hand and a Stoli in a cheap plastic cup in the other. Make audible remark about how "trashy" people who still think smoking is acceptable are.
12:00 a.m. "Nightcap at your place." Find out that people lie in bars, too

(blatantly ripped off from http://www.bettybowers.com/homoagenda.html)


...Whew.... The Gay Agenda sounds like a whole buncha more work than the Feminist Agenda.... Thank Goodness there is a cure! http://lovegodsway.org/.... help fight the Gay Agenda!


Boy, I dunno.... Seems like the Right Wing is really afraid of Agendas. I'm sure there is a Vicious Vegan Agenda, a Bold Black Agenda, A Pepperoni Pizza Agenda, an Anti-American Agenda........I bet there is even a Tree-Hugger-Save-Baby-Seals Agenda!!

We's gotzta be careful out there!!!


.... but Republicans never came up with an Agenda of there own....... and really fucked up America.

I best check my agenda...... I think it may be time for a beer!

..... as long as it is not a liberal, feminist, vegan, black, agnostic, gay, athiest, pinko, commie, fascist, eco-freak beer. I wanna grow up an be a real American!!!

10 comments:

Dusty said...

as long as it is not a liberal, feminist, vegan, black, agnostic, gay, athiest, pinko, commie, fascist, eco-freak beer. I wanna grow up an be a real American!!!

Have I told you lately that you are my hero? ;)

Randal Graves said...

I thought the H stood for Harpo. I know he's not as famous as Groucho, but man, that's just mean but whaddya expect from a gay feminist.

fairlane said...

What kind of agenda is this?

Whatever it is, I can sense the Villainy, and mark my words, I'll come up with some kind of anti-agenda to fight this agenda, and the agendas of all those with an agenda.

Liberality said...

my agenda has been outed and I sure don't like that much Okjimm!
:D

Spartacus said...

Ummm. Michelle Bachmann just called. She'd like a word with you about your un-American activities.

susan said...

I had an agenda once but just getting by took up all my time. My calendar's empty and the day is full.

Distributorcap said...

you left out do the laundry

okjimm said...

ah, shucks&stuff, Dusty...a hero aint nuttin but a samich. I would rather be a doughnut!

Randal, I think I am worried more about the neo-nazi agenda that the gay-lib-fem agenda. Golly! The last Gay-Lib-Fem I talked with was a marvelously astute beer drinker with a penchant for hockey; the former far outweighs the later, in my book.

Libs- What agenda you got? Peace, love, yoga&good books? I support that kinda agenda!

Spartz-- Shhhh...don't tell her where I am! Those Minnie-Sodians are strange folks!

Yuppers, Susan, sometimes the best agenda is the one you do not have!

Fairlane---- I think that your agenda to establish an anti-agenda to fight agendas is a great agenda. Break me up!

Dcap--- Never do laundry today that you can put off until tomorrow!!

Utah Savage said...

My agenda is to sleep past Morning Joe time. I guess I could turn off TV and do some work, but really now all I aspire to is avoiding Morning Joe. He was everywhere today, and it scared me into yard work.

Border Explorer said...

As a patriotic PRO-American from a CERTIFIED PRO-America location, I want to sincerely thank you for this excellent PRO-America post! And I'll do so as soon as I stop laughing. (my head fell off and it is rolling around the floor somewhere, sorry)

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